Sting continues to release new (sort of) music (debatable), pulling him away from his primary duty of saving the world’s rain forests. And that means trees remain endangered. And that means paper is still at a premium. Which leads me to offer the following friendly advice regarding my snail mail:
VOICE ACTORS, please save paper (and postage) by swearing off shiny postcards. I can’t tell what you sound like from a postcard. Really. I hold it up to my ear, and all I hear is rushing water. I think it’s the ocean, but it’s probably the bathroom. I doubt you sound like either. Voice-talent postcards go directly into recycling; you’re better served with a friendly email linking to your reel. A lot of those go into recycling too – but you save money, and Sting feels less troubled during his next lute solo.
PRINTING COMPANIES, please double-check your mailing databases. I’m a writer. I don’t even know what “trifold die-cut offset foil-stamped one-day quick-turn specialty fulfillment” means. Honest. That whole sentence might as well be Sting lyrics. So please stop sending me old-timey business letters encouraging me to sell my clients on the wonders of whatever it is I have to beg the nearest production manager to use small words to explain to me.
SKETCHY BUSINESS ASSOCIATIONS, please stop inviting me to seminars. Seriously. Please stop killing trees to write bad letters to solicit pricey attendance at shallow, cynical trade shows where “experts” strain to bludgeon each other with self-importance and PowerPoint. When PowerPoint is the least evil part of an equation, you know you’re doing something very wrong.
Finally, RANDOM TRADE PUBLICATIONS, if you really wanted me to subscribe to your fine magazine, you’d put an end to the constant stream of free agency copies that get read right alongside your latest letter offering 2,400 percent off newsstand prices. (By the way – newsstands? Really? I’m just sayin’…)
Anyone else have suggestions? Sting? Zap me an EMAIL.